Week three - why I'm still homeschooling!

I'm about to get real honest here. Do you see the title of this blog, Pondering of a Preachers wife. I almost started another blog called confessions of a reluctant homeschooler but I LOVE being a preachers wife. I love helping ladies spiritually, emotionally, physically. I love being there when there are problems and trying to fix things. I love planning events. I LOVE discipleship. I love seeing baby Christians grow and become more like Christ. I love teaching. I like playing the piano (although someone if someone who is talented with a good Christlike attitude would join our church I would give that up in a heart beat!) my heart is in being a pastors wife. I love it. I love my children as well, but I was looking forward to sending them off to school and being that much more involved in the ministry. But God had other plans for our family. God led my husband down this homeschooling path. Now the work I would have spent in families in our church is being spent in my family. The time I would be teaching ladies is spent in teaching my dear sweet children. The time I would be preparing yummy things to serve to ladies is spent in throwing together a lunch for my cute little ones. And I hate it. I thought my want-to would have been here by this third week but it couldn't be farther away. I despise the extra work. I feel unprepared. I am always behind. (I need a printer here at my house!) my house seems worse than ever. But one thing keeps playing in my mind, my relationship with my children has never been this good. But then I squash that little ray of hope and give ten things that are going wrong instead. I have been very negative lately, (Hey, I told you I was fessing)! I have not really liked myself. Several times I go to my piano to play something to remind myself I'm still good at something and I see three pieces if music I am struggling to learn for church and walk away even more frustrated, stressed, and crunched for my lack of time! It all finally came pouring out of me this past Monday. It was like throwing up poison. It hurt, it stank, it was gross, and my poor husband had to bear it all. I told him I homeschool for only one reason, Love of God and that love spurs me to love and obey my husband. I may not want to homeschool but God has led my husband this direction and if I have learned one thing from counseling ladies it is to Not go against your husband when God is leading. For the past few weeks I have put on this happy exterior and I'm dying inside. I decided I could no longer love this way. I have 37 1/2 weeks to go, this is not a good place to be this early in the game. I started an assignment I've given to several ladies and seen great success with them. I think it is called the Stroke Method. Every day three times a day, you take a 3x5 card. On one side you write something you are thankful for in general, on the other you write something you are thankful for about the situation or person you are unhappy about, i.e. it could be about your job you hate, your spouse or child you don't get along with, etc. I got my 3x5 cards, I think God knew I was gonna need a little help because he provided a clearance gold sparkly one spiral bound set of 3x5 cards. I was really nervous and honestly not really looking forward to writing my first one. But I finally gave in and wrote my general thank you. And my specific about homeschooling thankful. When I get to a hundred I might share them on here. You know, something changed yesterday. It was a glimmer of hope that it might be ok. I finished school, took a nap, pulled out fall/winter clothes and fall decorations, made a wonderful dinner, made chocolate chip cookies, and was calmer than I have been in awhile.

When I broke my foot this past summer I immediately started praising God for breaking my foot. Days when the pain would be great, or my house seemed to fall apart, I was ok because I had spent so much time praising God for the very thing that was bad. I could see God working in my life and knew He had a plan for me. But with the homeschooling I started off asking God why, I had a bad attitude, I was critical, I was angry. I kept hearing my husband pleading with me to not let this get me bitter, and I kept hearing an old college professor, James Zinker asking me if this was what is finally going to be what it takes to make me stop loving and serving God. As I consciously spent time thanking God yesterday, I opened my heart to the possibility that God may have something great through this thing of homeschooling He has asked me to do and I felt peace, calm, and even hope. I had a great relaxing day. I even had time for a lady in our church who is sick. I had time to look at Patch stuff for the start tonight! I watched a Dick van Dyke show and even went out for ice cream! Isn't god so good to be so patient with us? Seriously, I mean he could have struck me dead for my bad attitude and as holy and righteous as He is no one would have thought Him bad for doing it, yet instead, He lovingly, and gently kept working with me. he gently kept calling me to himself reminding me despite my protests that indeed His burden was light and His yoke is easy. He reminded me that He has a plan and if I will only trust Him He is going to do great things in and through me. I don't deserve such a great God and I don't deserve to have a personal relationship with Him, but, boy am I thankful I do! You know, I think that just might be what I put on my thankful card today!